Our Infertility Journey

This blog post has been written a hundred times in my head and several drafts were saved to Google docs.  Our journey began the summer of 2018 and it was filled with hope even against the odds.  But, I was certain a “happy ending” was just a few months away, so I told myself I would just wait and write about it then.  The happy ending didn’t come…not right away anyway.  The journey was more like a rollercoaster and full of heartbreak.  I got to a point where I was ready to write about it amongst the heartbreak…and then there was hope again.   So, I waited.  I wasn’t trying to hide anything from my followers…my close friends and family have been there for it all.  I guess I was still hoping for that happy ending before I could share.  Everybody loves a happy ending after all…

I was 38 years old when I married Kenny. (ha, ok maybe talking about age is why I wasn’t eager to share)  I have always wanted to do family the “right way” and for me that meant dating, engagement, marriage…and then babies.  Kenny and I began dating when I was 34 and I have to admit that in the back of my mind I had thought about the fact that I may be “too old” when the time came to start a family, but even with the worry I never really thought I would be one of the “1 in 8” or one of the 6.7 million women each year who have trouble conceiving.  It was the “it won’t happen to me” mindset.  I did ask my OBGYN when I should start to worry and I was advised at my age to seek help after about 6 months of “trying.”  A younger couple is usually told to try for approximately a year before seeking help.  

I was probably on the phone with a local reproductive fertility clinic six months to the day of our wedding!  The process began with a consultation, blood work for me which measured hormone levels taken at a particular point in my cycle and of course Kenny had to participate in some testing too (I only hope to convince him to write a guest post about his experience some day – I promise you it would be full of comic relief 🙂 ).  

We headed back to the doctor for our results and Kenny was given a gold star, but I was quickly diagnosed with DOR (diminished ovarian reserve).  An ovarian reserve refers to a woman’s fertility potential in the absence of any other reproductive problems (i.e. fallopian tubes, cervix, uterus etc.).  Certain hormones are tested which tell the doctors essentially the quality and quantity of eggs a woman has remaining.  My diagnosis was bleak.  I was told I would have a 5% chance of conceiving naturally and only about a 20% chance with IVF using my own eggs.  Since time was not on my side, it was not advised that I start with some of the lesser reproductive methods such as timed intercourse or IUI.  

As lawyers, we are both very logical and analytical thinkers, so we of course went home to digest the news and consider our next step.  Knowing that I would potentially hit up “Dr. Google” my doctor recommended www.reproductivefacts.org as one reliable source of information and I tried my best to stick to that resource when “researching” but I can’t promise you I did that 100% of the time.  

I don’t want to overlook the next step, because it is a huge obstacle for most people who face infertility.  Finances.  How were we going to afford this?  We have good jobs and what I would consider very good health insurance, but it has ZERO coverage when it comes to infertility or reproductive health.  I am fairly certain this is the case for most people, but don’t quote me on that because I am not an insurance expert in this area.  We checked ours and it was a no so we moved onto the next consideration.  A “baby loan.”  I struggled with this more than Kenny did.  I kept saying to him, “This is insane…we wouldn’t go to a luxury car lot and buy a car if the salesman told us we had a 20% chance of taking the car home!”  Luckily he listened to my concerns, didn’t get upset by them and just kept reassuring me that if this was something that I wanted for us, we would make it work.  To this day, I don’t deal with that side of things…he made all the arrangements, spoke with the finance personnel at the clinic and the bank and is the one who keeps watch over the payments and that account.  I think part of me still feels guilty that we are in this position “because of me” and I am adding financial stress to our family.  The emotional part of my brain knows it is totally worth it, but it’s that sneaky logical and fiscally responsible part of me that still stresses about it.  

The First Step: Egg Retrieval

When you go through IVF using your own eggs, the first step is preparing for an egg retrieval.  I was prescribed a number of drugs/hormones that are designed to stimulate follicle growth and hopefully egg production.  My natural levels were so low that it meant my protocol called for maximum dosages…which also means maximum dollars with the specialty pharmacy.  🙁  So, the shots began…Kenny was a trooper and administered all of my shots throughout this process.  We began with belly shots (which we thought were hard enough) and later graduated to a much larger gauge shot which poor Kenny was scared to even give me…but he did it!  Over and over again…  36 hours before my egg retrieval surgery I had to take the “trigger shot.”  We were given an exact time (we could not waiver but a few minutes) and the administration of the “trigger” would cause me to ovulate just in time for surgery so the eggs could be retrieved.  Let me just tell you..science is AMAZING!  Side note: our first trigger shot was on our one year anniversary!  We had an early dinner at a fancy steakhouse and then rushed home for the big shot.  Not exactly the way anyone expects or wants to spend their first anniversary… 36 hours later and after coming out of anesthesia I found out that they retrieved 8 eggs!  That wasn’t what Dr. Google told me the “young girls” retrieved, but for me that was really good.

The Next Step: Embryo Transfer

The next step is the fertilization process and the wait to find out how many embryos will form from the eggs collected.  On day 5 I was back at the clinic and we decided to transfer two of my mature embryos.  We were given a “report card” and learned that three did not fertilize and the embryologist needed to watch the other three to see if they matured enough to be frozen.  Ultimately they did not…so the two we transferred were our only hope for this round.  That hope vanished sometime within the next excruciating wait…the “two-week wait.”  The TWW as “they” call it is the time between transfer and the blood test at your doctor’s office.  They recommend no home testing in between as the hormones you are given for the egg retrieval process can cause false positives.  They measure the HCG in a woman’s body and anything over 5 is considered pregnant.  Our blood test was negative.  I did not get pregnant…the two embryos we transferred failed to implant and grow.  Honestly, right now I can’t even remember how I felt.  I am certain I was disappointed, but considering my odds this was to be expected.  

My second egg retrieval took place in January of 2019 and this time I produced 9 eggs.  On the fifth day we again transferred 2 embryos and were very excited to learn that an additional four were fertilized and mature enough to freeze.  This attempt at a fresh transfer failed as well…no positive pregnancy test.  

With four embryos in the freezer, I knew I had at least 2 more attempts and was still pretty hopeful at this point.  We began a new and different drug protocol as the doctor was only concerned with preparing my uterus to be a welcoming place for embryos to implant!  I now believe this was needed every time in order for me to succeed, because as you will learn next it proved to give me the best chance of success.  Many women have success off of a “fresh transfer” 5 days post-retrieval, but that just wasn’t the case for me. 

The Next Next Step: FET

My first frozen cycle or FET was in April of 2019.  We again transferred two embryos and endured the dreaded two-week wait.  I made it about eight days and something told me to take a home test…it was positive.  Our first positive!!  Now the nerves began…was it a false positive, what does this mean…omg, omg, omg!  I went into this blood test with a little more optimism and just dying to know what my HCG level would be.  I will never forget where I was when I received the news…at work of course and the nurse called to tell me I was pregnant.  My HCG number was in the THOUSANDS…when I asked what that meant she said, “well we consider a 5 pregnant, so you are VERY pregnant.”  I immediately wondered if that meant twins (high HCG can indicate multiples, but it is not a scientifically sound predictor) and of course hit up Dr. Google for all the best advice.  LOL

Now what?  We had never made it this far before. What I learned throughout this process is there is always another dreaded wait!  I took another blood test to confirm the HCG was still rising and it was…so my 6 week ultrasound was scheduled.  This would be where the doctor would confirm whether or not there was a heartbeat and a potentially viable baby.  We got great news and some uncertain news…the doctor saw and we heard one healthy heartbeat!  The doctor also confirmed there was a second baby, but it was smaller in size and did not have a heartbeat at that time.  This meant that the second baby was already gone (known as a vanishing twin) or was just behind developmentally and could potentially catch up to the other baby. I still refer to this as my “twin pregnancy” because that is how it began…but this pregnancy did not result in that happy ending we so badly wanted.  

We returned at 8 weeks to check on them one more time before being discharged to our OBGYN’s office.  I remember walking into this appointment with all the confidence…happy that it had worked this time and just anxious to find out about the second baby.  It came as quite a shock when the doctor told us that there was no heartbeat…none…from either baby.  He took measurements and told us the baby we had seen and heard a heartbeat from at 6 weeks had died somewhere in the 7th week.  When a baby dies in utero but the woman does not soon experience the signs of a miscarriage, they call that a missed miscarriage.  I will spare you the details, but it took some months and healing to be able to think about or begin another round. 

It is now the summer of 2019 and I am 40 years old.  I have two frozen embryos left and in August we were ready to try again.  Two embryos transferred…the dreaded TWW…positive home test…positive HCG test although the number/level this time was much lower than with the twins.   Don’t get me wrong, it was totally in the acceptable range and had I not just experienced what I did, I would be elated.  But I was scared and had a feeling that things were not good.  My HCG did rise on follow up blood work, but before I could make it to the 6 week ultrasound I had a miscarriage.  One night at dinner I had horrific pains and knew something wasn’t right.  We called the after hours clinic number and were told to go to the ER.  We didn’t learn much there, but the next day at the clinic we were told a natural miscarriage was likely.  The inevitable happened and in the fertility world they call this a “chemical pregnancy.”

The Final Step: Egg Donation

We tried to get pregnant with my eggs four times using eight embryos.  All had failed.  It was hard to hear after a while, but with age or DOR as the diagnosis (vs. some other reproductive disorder) we were told “the good ones take and the bad ones don’t.”  We did not invest in PGS testing (genetic testing of embryos before transfer) because at my age there is a high likelihood of embryos with a fighting chance being “graded” as poor and then the doctors are required to discard them instead of attempting a transfer with them.  So, it became obvious that even though some of my eggs/embryos had a fighting chance, they eventually failed and that was likely due to chromosomal problems at various levels. I was now approaching 41.    

The concept of egg donation was introduced to us very early on…maybe even at our first consultation.  But, we were not ready to jump to that option without at least trying with my own eggs first.  I now realize I spent a lot of time and money trying with my own eggs, but I am certain that I would have always wondered “what if” if I hadn’t tried.  I did research egg donation on my own while I was going through my own transfers.  It was becoming clear that it may be the best chance I had to carry a child.  We also considered adoption and were open to all of our options.  

After our last failed transfer we still had a lot of questions about donor conception and what was best for us.  Our clinic required us to attend a counseling session and evaluation.  It sounds worse than it was in reality!  We were super nervous, but in the end we walked away with a lot of knowledge about how to tell and raise a child who is donor conceived and the results of psychological studies to back up the information that is now considered best practices.  

I could write an entire blog post about choosing a donor and maybe someday I will.  But, I think what is important to share now is that our donor selection process also came with excitement, anxiety and heartbreak. Fortunately, we were ultimately blessed with the opportunity to have a child by our donor.  The medical part of the process is similar, except this time it was the donor who went through egg retrieval while I simultaneously prepared for embryo transfer.  Our cycles were timed perfectly and with Kenny’s help her eggs were fertilized and we went in 5 days later and transferred just one embryo.

We chose to transfer only one embryo (vs. always transferring two of my own) due to the total number of embryos we ended up with and the much higher rate of success using a donor egg.  Our donor was in her 20s and therefore that automatically increases the likelihood of a healthy egg/embryo.

We are SO EXCITED to announce that it is with this first transfer of a single donor conceived embryo that we are pregnant!  This is still an area of reproductive medicine and IVF that many people are unfamiliar with and don’t talk about.  We always knew we would be 100% honest with our family, friends and most importantly any child about being donor conceived. It will just be a part of her story, but the decision to “tell the world” was a little tougher.  After much thought, I decided if I was going to talk about IVF at all I had to talk about egg donation.  It is our story and it is the truth.  Facts are facts and while it is possible to get pregnant with your own eggs in your 40s, the odds are not favorable.  I didn’t want to perpetuate the myth that it is easy.  I get very upset now when I see celebrity or high profile women who boast about pregnancy in their 40s and 50s without telling the entire truth.  

If you couldn’t tell by the photos, we are expecting a baby GIRL!  I am currently 16+ weeks and enjoying being done with my first trimester.  We are still wrecked with nerves that something could go wrong, but we are slowly becoming more excited than nervous and I know the normal nerves that come along with being parents have only just begun!

Zeus loved being the star of our photoshoot and it was the only way I could get Kenny to agree to take pictures (lol kidding – sort of!).  Thank you so much for reading this post (if you made it this far) and please don’t hesitate to reach out to me if you have any questions.  You can leave them below or send me an email at jenny@herbestalways.com.  Oh, and if you have any ideas for future posts or what you want to see from me related to pregnancy, leave those below!  The maternity work wear game is difficult and I am already working on that for you!  You should see more of me on Instagram now that my secret is out!